“Oh woman, thou strong vessel, thou magical being.”
These words echo in my mind as I reflect on the many burdens society continues to place on women, especially within the institution of marriage. It is no secret that when a marriage fails, the woman is often the first to be blamed.
“You were not submissive enough ,” they say. “ You travelled too much. ” She is accused of not keeping her home, not being submissive enough, or simply “ not doing enough .” Rarely does anyone pause to examine the man’s role in the collapse.
This blame extends beyond marital breakdowns. When childbirth is delayed, society immediately assumes something must be wrong with the woman. She becomes the object of unsolicited advice: “ I recommend…… herbalist; his medicine works like magic, ” or “You should visit a prayer camp; I know a prophet who can help you conceive.”
Then come the cruel comments: “ She probably had countless abortions growing up and God is punishing her for that, ” or “ She must have used contraceptives that are now fighting the babies. ” And so the relentless pressure piles on. In contrast, the man’s fertility is seldom questioned. It’s almost as though the possibility of male infertility does not exist in our cultural imagination.
Even in child-rearing, the pattern continues. When a child misbehaves, the mother is the one criticised for her parenting. The common phrase is: “ Your mother didn’t train you well. ” No one asks where the father is or what role he plays in the child’s life. It is always assumed that the woman must have failed.
This raises critical questions: Is marriage only an honour or milestone for women? Are women the only ones expected to prepare, sacrifice, and adapt for it? Why must women take on their husbands’ surnames, while men feel no need to adopt or even acknowledge theirs?
The excitement surrounding marriage, too, often seems gendered. Society celebrates brides with fervour, the gowns, the ceremonies, the fairy-tale dreams. But do men share this same enthusiasm, or is the anticipation and pressure mainly reserved for women? And when it comes to initiating marriage, women are often the ones nudging the conversation forward, either directly or indirectly.
” _I think we should get married “, “when are you introducing me to your parents”, or what’s the next move for our relationship.” The reverse, though possible, remains a rarity in most cultural settings.
Most men don’t even care having a child out of wedlock but for many women, the concern weighs heavily.
I believe much of this stems from society’s rigid and outdated definition of the “ideal woman.” She is expected to be nurturing, patient, forgiving, self-sacrificing, and above all, responsible for the success or failure of every relationship she enters. Meanwhile, the expectations for men remain comparatively relaxed.
Even in matters as sensitive and complex as fertility, the woman stands trial while the man is excused. Medical science tells us that fertility challenges can come from either partner, but tradition continues to shield the man and scrutinise the woman.
It’s time to ask ourselves: why must the woman always carry the blame?
Marriage should be a partnership, not a performance where only one side is held accountable. We need to question the narratives we’ve inherited and redefine what fairness looks like in relationships. Until then, women will continue to be celebrated only for their endurance, not their freedom, not their equality, and certainly not their truth.
