When marriages begin to unravel, partners often begin an internal, private, struggle. They wonder if their marriage can be saved, or whether they should end the marriage. They often vacillate between the two options but feel unable to decide.
Some may talk to their spouse about problems in the relationship, while others blindside the spouse with a decision. Others try to hold the marriage together but are miserable.
If you are unsure, you are not alone. Divorce professionals often assume that once divorce papers are filed, ambivalence about divorcing is over. However, research shows that these assumptions are wrong. In fact, many divorcing people aren’t sure they want their marriage to end.
The Data
The first research on attitudes toward reconciliation during the divorce process was conducted by Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby (2011). About 25% of individual parents felt that their marriage could still be saved. Another study by Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) had similar findings.
A third study (Doherty, Harris, and Wilde, in press) found that a third of divorcing spouses were ambivalent or didn’t want to divorce. Another found that half of clients were ambivalent about getting a divorce or didn’t want the divorce; only half were certain.
Half of divorced individuals wished they had worked harder to overcome their marital differences and avoid their divorce (see Hawkins & Fackrell, 2009). 75% of divorced couples at least one partner had regrets about the decision to divorce one year after the breakup.
Discernment Counseling May Solve the Problem
Discernment counseling was developed by Bill Doherty, at the University of Minnesota. While it is common for couples to go to therapy with one partner leaning toward breakup or divorce and the other hoping to stay together, there have been few techniques specifically designed for such couples.
Discernment counseling was developed specifically to help people in these types of relationships, which he called “mixed agenda” couples. These are couples “on the brink.”
If you have found yourself debating whether to stay or go, consider discernment counseling before you make your decision.
I spoke with Ann Cerney, MS LPCC, LCPC about her work as a discernment counselor, mediator, divorce coach, and co-parenting counselor in the San Francisco Bay Area. “Life is full of uncertainties and challenges,” she says, “especially when it comes to making important decisions about our relationships.
For couples contemplating the future of a troubled marriage, considering separation or divorce, or feeling confused about the best course of action, discernment counseling can offer valuable guidance and support.”
I asked Cerney what discernment counseling is, how it works, and the potential benefits it can bring to individuals and couples in need. How is this different from marital therapy? What is the goal of discernment counseling, and does it work?
“Discernment counseling is a short-term, solution-focused therapy approach specifically designed for couples in crisis. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which aims to deepen the connection and improve communication, discernment counseling focuses on helping couples gain clarity and make informed decisions about the future of their relationship.
“The primary goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the problems within the relationship but to assist couples in understanding the root causes of their concerns and exploring the available options. It provides a safe and neutral space for partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and uncertainties while being guided by a trained professional.”
