As a college professor for 30 years and the author of The Complete U: Over 100 Lessons for Success in and out of the College Classroom, I see firsthand the ways that college students experience, perceive, and talk about stress. When they do, I almost always hear the companion piece, which is the additional layer of stress they feel from parents and other family members.
My student Tania shared with me what she wished she could help her parents and other parents understand more clearly: “I wish parents could better understand how hard the college journey is in this day and time…There is a lot of pressure on us to make our parents proud, to make ourselves proud, and at the same time keep up with everything else. Don’t be so hard on your children. If they don’t get it right the first time, let them know it’s okay. It may take them a while.
Also, college is not a necessity. A child is not a failure if they decide they don’t want to go to college or they want to opt for a two-year degree, a certificate, or a trade instead. A lot of times, we suffer in silence because we don’t wanna be a burden to you, but your support means everything to us. This is the time that we’re realising we really need you guys, even though we had ourselves convinced that we didn’t. Give us a room to figure it out, but please be there for us!”
Another student, Carson, concurred: “There is so much pressure on students to be a certain way or follow a certain profession. I think some parents need to back off and let their children figure things out on their own. Sure, they might make some mistakes but it’s those mistakes that teach them the most. One of the biggest mistakes a student can make is to be following a certain path laid out by someone else.”
As Carson demonstrates, students experience constraints from the imposition of others when it comes to making choices about majors, minors, and careers to pursue. Students are also affected by others’ sense of time. College is not a race to the finish line. Tania offered: “Don’t rush your experience, not every student will graduate in four years straight through. Some may graduate early and some may graduate later but don’t compare yourself or your journey to other people. It’s not a rush! Your journey may be different and that’s okay. You might change your major or decide that you wanna do something else and that’s okay! Don’t worry about what people think about you. Just focus on your journey.”
When focusing on their own journeys, though, some college students report that issues of race and class are complicated determinants of stress and pressure in the college experience. Bella, a former dual-enrollment student of mine who now attends an elite HBCU, stated: “I would just like to emphasise how different the college experience is for Black students. As a high-achieving Black student, I have always been seen as ‘exceptional’, which comes with its own plethora of pressure-filled expectations. It sometimes feels that I am on a conveyor belt to success with clearly written-out steps and that I must simply fall in line.
When I received all of my college decisions, I was mainly deciding between Harvard and Howard. I knew all along that I wanted to attend Howard, but it was the pressure from other people that caused the feelings of uncertainty at some points. I cannot express how thankful I am to have a community of people cheering for me, but it was a bit shocking to see how many people were openly disappointed, even outraged, by my decision. As a result, I spent the weeks leading up to my move-in day being worried and unsettled and constantly replaying comments made by others in my head.
I learned that many people love to parade their support for mental health, but they don’t always listen when people explain what would be best for them. Also, many people believe that mental health should be sacrificed for the sake of achievement. And, since Black women are held to higher standards, this idea is often exacerbated for us. We are pressured to be exceptional, to achieve twice as much, to be in the most prestigious (often white) spaces, to surround ourselves with the most glamorous people, often being encouraged to abandon what’s best for us. When we are seen making decisions that people equate with prestige and high status, we are valued higher by others, and that often seeps into our perception of ourselves.”
Race and class, coupled with being a first-generation immigrant college student, magnify stress and highlight the pressure that some people feel trying to be both loyal to their families as well as to their own goals. Rosie, who walks this tightrope of wanting to honour her family and her dreams, even when she felt they sometimes did not understand or respect her choices, shared: “I am the proudest for not giving up. College is such a hard thing to do, especially as a first-generation immigrant student. I feel as if I beat all the odds because I did! I had moments where I was the only Hispanic person in a room and in a lab. Additionally, I had to tune out comments from my Hispanic family and family friends.
Comments such as: ‘College is such a scam,’ ‘You want to go to medical school? Yeah, I did too, and now I clean schools.’ ‘She’s so weird. Why can’t she just be normal and start a family instead of going to medical school?’ Something that made college very hard for me was living with strict parents while at college. The only way I could’ve afforded college was to stay at home and be a commuter. My parents were not very open-minded at first; they didn’t understand why I had to stay late because I had a club meeting to attend or stay at the library studying.
Additionally, it took a lot of crying, headaches, and convincing to be able to participate in clubs and even be able to do a cool internship over the summer in Charleston. I understood this was something that they weren’t used to, and when they think of college, they think of drinking and partying, but open-mindedness would have made things so much easier.”
Parents and other family members can best offer support and guidance by tuning into students’ perceptions and reflections of their experiences rather than reacting to them. Students and parents both benefit from working to alleviate the pressure that students feel on campus.
