As a couples therapist, I usually see the lead theme in relationships as you love your partner and they love you.
But no matter how close you are, there are some things you should never ask them to do—unless you want to create resentment, tension, or even long-term damage in your relationship. Here are two of the biggest mistakes couples make when making requests of each other, with real-life examples and better alternatives.
1. Never Ask Them to Be Someone They’re Not
It’s one thing to encourage your partner to grow, but it’s another to expect them to change who they are fundamentally. When you ask your partner to be someone they’re not, you send the message that they’re not good enough as they are.
Example: Jonah is an introvert who enjoys quiet weekends at home, reading, or working on his art. His girlfriend, Tessa, is highly social and loves big parties. She often says, “I just wish you were more outgoing,” or “Why can’t you be the kind of guy who loves being the life of the party?” Over time, Jonah starts to feel like Tessa wants an entirely different person, not him.
Why This Is a Problem: When you push your partner to change their fundamental nature, they feel unaccepted and unappreciated. This can lead to frustration, withdrawal, and even emotional distance.
What to Do Instead: Appreciate your partner for who they are while finding compromises that work for both of you. Instead of demanding that they change, they should recognize their strengths. For instance, Tessa could say, “I know big parties aren’t your thing, but I’d love it if you could come with me to one now and then. In return, I’d love a quiet weekend with you doing something you enjoy.” This way, both partners feel seen and valued.
2. Never Ask Them to Choose Between You and Someone They Love
Ultimatums can be tempting when you’re feeling insecure or hurt, but asking your partner to cut ties with a family member, close friend, or even a beloved hobby is one of the quickest ways to damage trust.
Example: Olivia and her fiancé, Marcus, are deeply in love. However, Olivia doesn’t get along with Marcus’s best friend, Devin. She feels Devin is a bad influence and frequently tells Marcus, “I don’t understand why you even hang out with him. If you loved me, you wouldn’t.”
Why This Is a Problem: Forcing your partner to choose between you and someone they care about creates resentment. Even if they comply, they may secretly harbour negative feelings about it, which can eat away at your relationship over time.
What to Do Instead: As I explain in my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, if you have concerns about someone in your partner’s life, express them calmly and respectfully without making demands. For example, Olivia could say, “I sometimes feel uncomfortable around Devin because of XYZ. Can we talk about how to navigate this together?” This approach fosters communication instead of control.
Final Thoughts
Love thrives in an environment of acceptance, respect, and healthy communication. Instead of pressuring your partner to change who they are or make painful choices, focus on understanding, compromise, and open dialogue. That’s how strong relationships stand the test of time.
