We are a society obsessed with red flags. The idea of catching early signs that someone will be a bad partner is so relieving. We don’t have to waste our time or get hurt, we can just be more vigilant. If we don’t miss the red flags, we won’t have to suffer them.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work.
As I discuss in my book, They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship, red flags are hard to see unless viewed in hindsight or if multiple red flags point to the same conclusion. It takes a while to get a sense of a person and see their patterns and problems, which means we’ll inevitably endure a few red flag behaviors that, when looking back on the relationship, we’ll see as signs we wish we hadn’t missed.
For the good of your relationships, I want to convince you of three things.
1. Red Flags Aren’t the End of the World
Unless we’re talking about the original meaning of this phrase, behaviors that were abusive and truly unacceptable, red flags aren’t necessarily a reason to panic. Red flags are, in many ways, just arrows pointing to someone’s growth areas.
Red flags can be justifications for ending a relationship, or they can be signs of what the work of the relationship will be. For example, is your partner often late? Sure, you could call it a red flag and discard them for their tardiness, or you could recognize that they struggle to manage their time and may need help improving this. Instead of spotting a red flag and jumping to self-protection, through a harsh accusation or a sudden termination of the relationship, see if it’s a growth area you can help your partner work on.
2. You’ll Find Red Flags if You Look for Them
All too often, people are so vigilant about identifying red flags that they see them even when they aren’t there. The desire to catch bad behavior as a way to protect ourselves from possible future harm is very understandable, but it can mislead us.
If you’re sensitive to someone controlling you, an innocent request from a new partner could be a sign of their overbearing nature. If you’re worried about being abandoned, a text left unread could be a sign your partner is about to leave. If you’ve been cheated on in the past, you’ll wonder if your partner’s resistance to sharing their phone passcode is a sign they’re hiding something. Our fears and raw spots influence how we see things, the lens through which we view our loved ones. And, when we view benign actions through this lens, they become flashing signs of our partner’s problems.
3. You, My Friend, Have Red Flags, Too
This is no one’s favorite realization, but you have red flags, too. You make mistakes, experience persistent struggles, and have growth areas that need attention and work. You are a wonderful but flawed human, just like the rest of us. And while our own foibles might be harder to spot since we have strongly held convictions that we’re doing our absolute best (which is true, you are), those red flags are still there.
You wouldn’t want someone to reject you because you freeze up during conflict and don’t know how to engage without crying, or because you get anxious answering texts and avoid responding for hours on end, or because you get critical when you feel ignored. These aren’t great behaviors, and I’m sure they don’t feel good to the other person, but they’re not signs you’re inherently abusive or incapable of being in a relationship; they’re arrows pointing to where your work lies.
These are areas where you can take responsibility and grow. And truthfully, they’ll probably be growth areas you work on for the rest of your life. Our growth never ends, and even if you fully address your current struggles, a new one will probably pop up. And that’s okay- that’s part of being a human.
Hunting for Red Flags Can’t Save Us From Hurt
The truth is, being in any relationship means taking a risk. Without the glaringly obvious indicators that someone will be harmful, we truly don’t know if a new partner will end up being demanding of our time, neglecting our needs, cheating on us, or breaking things off unexpectedly. Not knowing if the relationship will be great, a disaster, or end all too soon is a painful reality of entering said relationship. We get close to someone without knowing the outcome. And while we should heed true red flags, the signs that someone is so immature or possibly abusive that we would be unsafe in a relationship with them, we should give everyone else a little more grace.
Learning how to be in a relationship takes time. It takes making mistakes and learning from them. It takes forgiveness from our partners when we stumble. We need to give that to people we love, and we need to receive it in turn, since we will inevitably act poorly at times despite our best intentions to be the best version of ourselves possible.
Our pursuit and expectation of perfection set us up for failure. People can know all there is to know about how to be a good friend, partner, or parent, and still make mistakes. Instead of jumping to judgment, maybe we can observe with curiosity, share our feelings, set our boundaries, and give our loved ones a chance to be imperfect as they continue their lifelong journey of growth.
