When a child breaks a major rule, hurts someone, or commits a significant infraction, most parents feel compelled to give a consequence. They often ask me, “What’s an appropriate punishment for what he did?” My answer usually surprises them: Let your child choose their own consequence.
Most parents react with disbelief: “He’s just going to say his punishment is ice cream for dinner!”
Before you dismiss the idea, let’s explore why punishments often fail—and why giving kids a voice works better.
Why Punishments Backfire
Giving a punishment often seems effective. You say, “No Xbox for a week! And if you keep it up, it will be two weeks!” and the misbehaviour stops. However, there’s much more to the story of punishments:
- They don’t address the root cause of misbehaviour.
Most misbehaviour happens because kids feel overwhelmed, not because they’re being defiant. A punishment may stop the behaviour in the moment, but it doesn’t teach the emotional regulation skills needed to solve behaviour problems over the long run. - They create resentment, not reflection.
Kids don’t “learn their lesson” by being punished. Rather than thinking about how their actions were hurtful, punishments lead kids to brood about how unfairly they are being treated. - They unintentionally reinforce the wrong behaviours.
When your child misbehaves and receives your angry attention, they’re getting exactly what they crave—your engagement. The most effective response to misbehaviour? When safe to do so, ignore it. Even better, “catch your child being good” by looking for opportunities when they’re behaving well and reward them with your positive attention and praise. - They damage your relationship.
Punishment puts you and your child on opposite teams. They teach a win-lose approach to conflict: “I’m doing something painful to you because you did something I didn’t like.” Over time, this erodes trust.
What If the Offence Feels “Too Big” to Ignore?
Let’s say your child hits a sibling, lies about something important, or breaks a major family rule. You might feel that doing nothing sends the wrong message—that you’re condoning the behaviour or overlooking the harm done. In situations like these, many parents feel compelled to issue a punishment, not just to correct the behaviour, but to serve justice and affirm the values of the family.
I often recommend trying restorative practices first: help your child make amends by offering a genuine apology and taking steps to repair the harm.
But what if that still doesn’t feel like enough?
That’s when letting your child choose the consequence becomes a surprisingly powerful tool. It turns a reactive moment into a reflective one—and opens the door to accountability without shame.
Why Letting Kids Choose Their Punishment Works
Once emotions have cooled, begin by sharing your own feelings: “It really hurt my feelings when you [name the behavior].”
Then express empathy for your child’s experience: “I know you were really upset and angry when that happened.”
From there, gently introduce the idea that a punishment is called for: “Now that we’ve both had time to calm down, let’s talk about what a fair consequence might be.”
This simple shift turns punishment into problem-solving.
At first, your child may test whether you really mean it: “My punishment is unlimited screen time this weekend!” That’s okay. Stay calm. Give them a minute to process your request. If they can’t take it seriously, say: “I can see you’re not quite ready to do this. Let’s try again tomorrow.” Then return to it the next day.
When children are given space to reflect, they often suggest surprisingly harsh consequences—“No screens for six months,” or “I’ll give away my favorite toy.” That’s because their consciences are still developing and tend to be overly strict—this is true of even the most challenging kids (yes, even the ones parents fear are “sociopaths in the making”). Their sense of guilt and desire to make things right is often much stronger than we expect.
Why This Approach Is So Effective:
- It reduces defensiveness and invites true reflection. Kids begin to connect their actions with consequences—a vital step in long-term behaviour change.
- It gives them a sense of control, which is especially important because misbehaviour often stems from feeling out of control.
- It keeps you on the same team. It turns the adversarial nature of punishment into a collaboration.
And no, you’re not handing over total control. You’re giving your child a voice in the process, not the final word. Softening their too-harsh suggestion—“How about no screens for two days instead of six months?”—models empathy and builds trust.
You may need to scaffold the process if your child struggles to come up with ideas. That’s okay. Your role is to guide them toward thinking of an appropriate consequence. And if your child can’t or won’t engage in the process, you can still choose a consequence yourself—but the door remains open for collaboration next time.
The Bottom Line
Whenever possible, skip punishment altogether. The most effective response to misbehaviour? Ignore it when safe to do so and instead actively look for opportunities to catch your child being good.
But if you truly feel a consequence is necessary, invite your child to help decide what it should be. This approach does more than teach accountability—it preserves your connection and protects your child’s dignity.
Try it. You might be surprised by how well it works.
