In a recent study with my colleagues, Kale Monk, Matt Ogan, and a team of students, we analysed Reddit threads where engaged people posted about their fears and doubts about whether to get married or break up with their partners.
Original posters (OPs) came to Reddit, grappling with the good and bad in their relationships and seeking insight about whether the problems they experienced were normal trials and tribulations or whether they were deal-breakers. Commenters on those posts were unflinching in their assessments of the issues in the threads. Because they had no real stake in the future of the relationship, they could call it like they saw it—and they did.
Most readers will not be debating whether to continue or end an engagement, but what we learned from the study (and some previous research) can help anyone navigate the grey areas of relationships and answer some key questions you might be asking as you make decisions about long-term commitment.
Where is the line between cold feet and existential dread?
It is socially acceptable to be nervous before making a big commitment like marriage, but the boundary between cold feet and instincts telling you to “run” is less clear. This can be especially confusing when you still love someone, but the idea of committing to them brings on waves of anxiety. A key insight from our study was that folks who ended up on Reddit did not focus their concerns on the wedding itself. Although they sometimes expressed stress about wedding planning or coordinating with future in-laws, their core concerns were about their partners and their future marriage.
One OP described feeling a “tsunami of dread” when they thought about marrying their fiancé. Another wrote their post as they cried in a hotel room, asking, “Is this normal?” Lingering doubts about a relationship are a way to get your attention so that you can carefully assess the causes of the uncertainty and make healthy decisions moving forward. A healthy and supportive partner will give you space to do that work, even if it delays the next step in the relationship.
Is feeling stagnant just part of a long-term relationship, or is it settling?
Some research suggests that the surge of dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin that accompany falling in love feels like being high on amphetamines. If you have ever fallen in love while in school or trying to keep up with a demanding job, you may have noticed how difficult it was to focus on anything other than the person you were falling for. However, those chemicals don’t stay elevated forever. The excitement fades and, in great relationships, is replaced with feelings of deep connection, closeness, and comfort to be fully yourself. It is healthy to expect and accept this transition.
However, seeing incompatibilities with your partner or wondering if you even truly want to be with them might be more concerning indicators of a problem, particularly before a marriage even starts. In our study, couples who were already living together sometimes highlighted their frustration with partners who didn’t contribute, unrelenting conflicts with ex-partners or family, or declining effort to invest in the relationship. These situations are especially tricky because they don’t necessarily feel like deal-breakers, but they may be worth pausing on the permanent commitment to consider whether your needs and hopes are being met in the relationship.
Do one or two instances of bad behaviour undo all the good times in the relationship?
Commenters on Reddit fell in line with advice from relationship experts on this one. If the bad behavior (1) is violent; (2) makes you feel worthless or unlovable; (3) pulls you away from friends and family; (4) makes you physically, emotionally, or financially unsafe; (5) is a major betrayal of your trust; or (6) feels confusing or unsettling then, yes, it is probably time to leave—or at least postpone any major commitment. Commenters in our study played an important role in calling out bad behaviour and encouraging OPs to leave.
Especially when OPs mentioned physical abuse, emotional manipulation, or concerning behaviours around substance abuse, the message was clear: “Get out now.” Research suggests that abuse tends to escalate over time, even if it begins slowly or the partner was completely nonviolent before. Even if they are “a great person,” “loved and respected by the community,” and “what every man/woman would want,” bad behaviour should be taken seriously. When in doubt, reaching out to family, friends, and professionals is critical to help you get the clarity you need about the situation.
The relationship used to be better than this—will it ever go back?
One OP described his relationship as getting progressively worse so slowly that he felt like a frog in a pot of boiling water. It all seemed fine, but then he found himself in a relationship with someone who was angry, controlling, and withholding affection. He said, “She didn’t used to be like this.” In our study, we found that OPs often visualised a future marriage with their partners and found it either lacking or concerning. Research suggests that qualities you don’t especially like about your partner are unlikely to change and actually tend to get worse over time. Relationships are unlikely to revert back to the easier times, so it’s important to assess how the relationship is going now as you make big decisions about the future.
Key takeaway
Reddit threads were an incredible resource for studying doubts because we got to see how people dealt with them in real time. From an outside perspective, we were able to conclude that doubts demand our attention, especially in the lead-up to a life-changing decision. Examining doubts, talking to people you trust, and seeking professional guidance can only serve to help you gain more clarity to either move forward with more confidence or make a well-timed pivot.
