Our true nature is love. Our true nature is beyond all of our ideas, images, and beliefs about who we are. When we can completely let go of these ideas, masks, fears, and protective layers, love is what is left. Love is at our core. Love is always present, within and without, but we are not always aware of it, as we are not able to access it or be present with it.
Our love is inherently always there in our hearts, yet the channel to our hearts is not always open. We have built up so many walls and attachments that keep us from experiencing love. Metaphorically, it is like the sun that is always there, no matter whether it is day or night, whether it is clear or cloudy. Some things or hindrances prevent us from seeing the sun clearly and fully.
Why do we forget our true loving nature?
In our pure form, fully loving and whole, we are unafraid to express love. Yet, as we come into existence and our needs are not being met, we start to experience hurt and pain. These emotional wounds grow, which result in insecurity, shame, and self-loathing. The pain may become unbearable, and we start creating layers of protection that move us away from our true loving nature. We fell into a world where we must fight to survive, so we forgot our authentic selves.
The paradox of these defenses is that by creating them, they actually prevent us from what we truly desire. So, instead of engaging with life and others, we disconnect and separate ourselves. This limits our lives and prevents us from loving and being loved.
In addition, over the course of a lifetime and mostly in childhood, we form certain impressions due to environmental influences and experiences. These impressions or attitudes take the form of conclusions in the mind. Most of the time, these conclusions and generalizations are wrong, yet they later establish themselves as preconceived ideas. As we grow older, we internalize these ideas and masks of protection that become part of our identity. This becomes our second nature, which makes us forget our first nature—love.
These superimposed ideas (second nature) are not thought out; rather, they are emotional, unconscious reactions that color our attitudes toward life. They have certain logic, though limited and incorrect. As the years go by, these conclusions and attitudes sink more and more into the unconscious. From there, they mold the life of each person to a large extent. Carl Jung called it “persona”—elements of personality that are differentiated from the authentic self.
These images are erroneous and inflexible. They do not “give” in accordance with changing circumstances. Thus, they create disorder. The pure currents flowing through a human heart become interrupted and distorted. A short circuit is created, and the disconnection to our true loving nature is established.
We grow up with a distorted view of the world, ourselves, and others. Based on these opinions, we judge ourselves and believe that we are not good enough. We seek love and acceptance from others and become afraid of rejection. We spend the rest of our lives ruled by fear, which causes us to forget our loving nature.
Do we really need love?
Many confuse loving someone with needing them. Often, people need someone to simply help them function or to help them cope with their existence in the world. The need to be taken care of or be supported is not love.
There is a fine line here that points toward the absolute need for self-love. The man or woman with self-love is released from the need for support and the need to be looked after. If you feel complete as you are and value yourself, then you don’t need love. Instead, you approach love from a place of confidence, wanting to connect with others and enhance love.
Self-love is the starting point (and the end point). It is the key ingredient for safety, growth, expansion, and actualization. It is the foundation of loving all because it is valuing ourselves and our own lives. The person who does not value himself cannot value anything or anyone and therefore cannot love.
In his book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden wrote that self-esteem is described as knowing that we are capable of living and loving and therefore worthy of living and loving. Self-love requires fulfilling one’s own needs as determined by one’s rational self-interest as the standard of need. This does not mean acting at the expense of others. It means neither sacrificing ourselves for others nor others for us. That statement further illustrates that we should not come to experience love from a place of need or lack but rather from a place of self-worth and expansion.
In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz writes that we should imagine a state where, within us, there is all the love we need and we share it with others. Then we meet someone who offers to be in a relationship with us. He or she says, “I have some love to give you, as long as you do what I want.” This offer seems absurd. If we love ourselves, why would we need another person to give us what we already have?
Love in reality
In reality, this perspective does not mean that we cannot benefit from a relationship and enjoy a relationship. It simply means that we enter a relationship as a mature, healthy, and loving individual who does not expect that another person should do this or that to make us happy. We accept the other person as they are, and stop trying to change them into the person we want them to be. We are coming to the relationship from a place of abundance, not from a place of scarcity.
As humans, we try to look to others to provide us with love. We may also search for love from people who also don’t love themselves and are also searching for love. Then we are surprised and upset when we don’t get what we want from them, and vice versa.
Loving yourself means being less needy in a relationship and less demanding, which translates into a much healthier relationship all around that is filled with even more love. In actuality, most of us, or even all of us, are not fully loving or whole, so a relationship can rarely be fully whole or loving. However, if both people in the relationship care for each other, recognize their historical wounds and limitations, take responsibility for that, and are willing to do their own work in and through the relationship, they can learn and grow their ability to break their internal barriers to share their vulnerability and love.
Love is a dynamic growth process between two independent and creative individuals who are consciously choosing (not needing) to support one another on the path toward their own healing, expansion, and actualization. With this realistic and positive attitude, you can create a powerful, intimate, and loving relationship.
