Triggers are typically childhood wounds that never fully healed, such that they are now sensitive areas that, when “triggered” by something in the present, return us to the original hurt.
For example, when Aaron’s 5-year-old refuses to read books with him at bedtime, insisting she draw by herself, Aaron feels something in his gut twist. He knows he’s about to overreact, that something is triggering him, but he can’t stop himself as he tells her coldly, “Then you can go straight to bed. No books. No drawing. No nothing. Good night!”
At this moment, Aaron is no longer his rational 35-year-old self. Instead, some not-so-rational childhood feelings are taking over, and he reacts to the present as if he were still in the past.
The good news is that triggers can be understood and managed so that you can control them rather than letting them control you.
Here’s how to do it in five steps.
1. Recognise when your behaviour is an overreaction—overreactions point to a trigger.
As with the example above, when you “overreact,” your intense feelings don’t match up with the situation, and you do something that doesn’t make sense—something you become especially aware of after the fact when you can view things more objectively.
Anytime you overreact—or regret an action—a trigger is likely the cause.
Recognise this, and observe what happened without judgment. Don’t punish yourself; you may dislike what you did, but beating yourself up doesn’t help.
2. Identify the feelings that the trigger brought up.
This is an important step in getting to know the trigger—and yourself!
Again, no judgment here. Just identify and observe the feelings. Observe how intense they are. How often do you have these same, intense feelings?
In the above example, when Aaron’s child doesn’t want to read with him, he feels angry. But the core feeling under the anger is what counts: He feels rejected. He’ll need to get in touch with this rejection, especially as he moves into Step 3.
3. Connect these triggering feelings to your past experiences.
Are these feelings reminiscent of or connected to past events? As a child, how often and when did you have these same feelings?
You’ll probably find that these feelings were appropriate in the past, especially in your childhood. Sit with these feelings, and recognise how much they were part of your past.
With Aaron, as he lets himself think about feeling rejected, he recalls being raised by a single mom, his dad having left when Aaron was 2. His mother was often too tired from working two jobs to focus on Aaron, and while he never felt outright rejected, he often felt very alone. As he reflects on his past, Aaron can see now that he did feel rejected, though at the time, he didn’t want to face those feelings.
(Note: Recalling past experiences can be challenging, especially when they feel very raw. If this is the case, consider revisiting the past with the help of a therapist.)
4. Identify the narratives that formed as a result of these past experiences.
Identifying our narratives is hard to do, especially when the feelings from past events cloud our ability to rationally reflect on these events. (Again, you might want to have a trained, experienced, and objective person help with this.)
To home in on your narrative, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- As a child, how did you make sense of these difficult experiences? How did you explain them to yourself?
- Because you were a child, what misperceptions did you have, and how did these misperceptions alter your understanding of how things work?
- What specific rules or guidelines did you create for yourself to get through it all?
- What conclusions did you come to about how other people act?
- What expectations did you form, whether for yourself or others?
- What did you do to protect yourself from having intense, painful feelings? Did these behaviours become your go-to way of coping?
You’ll probably find that as you delve into these questions, certain beliefs and ways of behaving will become more evident. These beliefs and behaviours are the foundation of childhood narratives that we carry with us for the rest of our lives unless we actively try to change them.
(As a point of reference, check out the post “The 7 Most Common Unhealthy Narratives in Children” to see if any of these common narratives speak to your experience. It also might be helpful to read How a Child’s Misperceptions Create Unhealthy Narratives,” which addresses how young children frequently misunderstand events and create inaccurate narratives.
5. Reflect on the narrative with your thinking, intellectual mind.
Now that you can trace the present-day trigger to an actual narrative rooted in past experiences, reflect on whether the narrative still makes sense today: It probably won’t.
By reflecting on the narrative with your intellectual, rational self, you are connecting your thinking half with your feeling half. You are helping your mind—your rational self—talk to your heart, your feeling and reactive self.
When you are triggered, your heart is screaming at you, drowning out your rational thoughts. By reflecting on the narrative at times when you’re not triggered, you are helping your mind talk to your heart. You are starting a healing dialogue. With more practice and better communication between your thinking and feeling halves, you’ll find that your heart calms down and can listen to your rational self.
In this way, you are reminding yourself that the past is not the present. You’re leaving the past where it belongs: in the past. In doing so, you are helping your feelings understand that the past narrative, which helped you get through a hard time, no longer applies.
As you let go of the old narrative, you’ll find your triggers no longer control you.
Practice, practice, practice
Change comes slowly, and only with practice. It takes time to get to know your emotional triggers and your past narratives. It takes time for your rational head to learn how to talk effectively to your emotional heart.
Be patient with yourself and know that every time you overreact and get triggered, you have an opportunity to learn about yourself and what’s going on deep inside of you.
Put aside the self-judgment. Instead, let your head talk to your heart, knowing that each time, you’re getting closer to controlling the trigger and finding a new way of being.
