Morgan feels she will never recover from the loss of her marriage. She says, “I can actually feel my heart breaking.” She comes to see me when she feels utterly hopeless and tells me, “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”
How does a broken heart heal? Or perhaps we should ask if we can heal a broken heart. And if so, how? I tell Morgan that she is not alone in her suffering and that she will recover. Research and experience tell us that recovery is possible. It takes a blend of psychology, self-compassion, and practical steps. Here’s how:
1. Allow Yourself to Feel the Feelings: the Sadness, Grief, and Pain
Avoiding the pain actually prolongs the healing. Release the pain by letting yourself cry. Try to write out the pain in a journal that no one but you will see. Sometimes it helps to just scream, as a client told me she did, by sitting in her car with the windows rolled up. Or sit in silence if that helps you release.
As you feel your feelings, try to label them. Morgan says, “I feel abandoned,” “I feel angry,” and “I feel powerless.” Naming your feelings somehow calms the brain.
Remind yourself that you will recover, and that this pain is not forever.
2. Understand the Lost Attachment
A broken heart often comes from a broken attachment. A broken attachment or a ruptured attachment is processed by the brain like a physical injury or pain. So we physically feel as if our heart is breaking.
You may be grieving the loss of what could have been, or what you thought you had. You are grieving more than the loss of a beloved person.
3. Ground Yourself in the Present
Morgan shares painful memories and worries about how her life will look in the future. Heartbreak often pulls you into the “what-ifs,” and “woulda, shoulda, coulda” thoughts. Morgan says, “What if I hadn’t said that?” or “I should have known…” A broken heart draws you into a black hole of memories and fears, and sometimes feelings of guilt or shame.
Try mindfulness or meditation. There are many free apps available online, and even 10 minutes a day can ease emotional intensity.
One way to ground yourself is to focus on your senses: What can I see right now? Hear right now? What do I smell in this moment? What sensations am I feeling in my body right now?
Journaling or drawing helps to externalize pain and can provide relief after you have poured out your emotions.
4. Limit Contact (at Least for Now)
Morgan describes her pain when her ex comes to pick up the children. Face-to-face contact triggers her pain, and she finds herself having terrible thoughts that she is ashamed to admit. “I wish he were dead,” she says, “But I know that’s wrong, and it would devastate our kids, and I hate having that thought.” I reassure her that thoughts are just thoughts and are an expression of her deep pain.
We explore ways that Morgan can create clear boundaries. “Maybe he can get the kids at school instead of coming to my place,” she thinks. “Or maybe I can just not interact with him when he comes, just be polite and say hi.” Clear boundaries help your nervous system relax and down-regulate. I suggest, “If you must be in contact (co-parenting, shared work), keep it structured and minimal.”
Stay off social media, I advise her. Morgan sees her ex on social media, “He looks like he’s out partying and dating, and just seems totally happy.” I remind her that social media posts often distort reality and that these constant reminders prevent the wound from healing.
5. Nourish Your Body and Mind
Heartbreak is physically exhausting. You feel the effect in your body, your stomach or chest, or throat. It is also draining your soul. I tell Morgan, “Treat yourself as you would someone recovering from illness.” This means it is important to get rest, eat healthy foods, get outside, stay hydrated, and move with gentle activities. Morgan has wanted to stay in bed all day, but she says she can’t sleep. Restorative sleep is vital, but she also needs to reach out to safe social connections for support, her friends and family, who will care for her.
Avoid numbing behaviors that will delay the healing and make your suffering even worse. This means avoiding impulsive behaviors and using drugs or alcohol. I have seen clients try to numb themselves with shopping, food, fast cars, and promiscuity. It may feel good in the moment, but it just doesn’t work in the long run.
6. Connect With People Who Care
Because she is pulled to shut down and isolate, I tell Morgan several times that “You don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on friends or family—even if it is hard, embarrassing, or vulnerable.” We make a list of people she promises to contact within the week. I tell her that she can ask someone to just sit with her, even if she doesn’t want to talk about it.
I also suggest a divorce support group and share some online resources with her.
7. Nurture Growth From the Heartbreak
We grow from pain by creating meaning from the loss. Morgan tells me that “I don’t understand what that even means.” I explain that over the next weeks and months, she will be able to ask herself, What did I learn about myself? What do I now know that I need, and what really matters to me? What are my values? Over time, I tell her, she will learn what she will do differently in the future, in love, romance, and in her life. I tell her, “You may not feel it now, but your capacity for love and wisdom is expanding. That is what comes from healing from heartbreak.”
Healing is not linear. “You will feel waves of pain, but over time, the waves will be less intense and less frequent. Some days will feel worse than others. That’s OK. You’re not broken,” I say, “You’re healing.”
Morgan’s heartbreak is a normal response to a devastating loss. These steps will help you recover from your heartbreak, too.
