Life does feel disappointing at times, especially if we think we will only be happy if we’re with that one certain person, have a particular job title, or own that house with a white picket fence. We may think that achieving the one-and-only thing is part and parcel of personal glory.
But psychologist Tara Well, at Barnard College, notes that disappointment resides somewhere between expectations and reality. There are many ways we fall into the trap of feeling discontent; having very specific expectations sets us up for grave disappointment because it’s hard for us to get everything we want and desire. The expectation that life be amazing can lead to discontent.
Fixed expectations set us up for grave disappointment. Modern-day living pushes us to think this way about happiness; the devices and toys and appliances that buzz open and shut so conveniently affect how we negotiate the world. Of course, I must have these things. I deserve what’s rightfully mine after all that has happened.
We expect things, and we do not get them. Instead, life is often ambiguous, and this can throw us off. We want to be in control. It’s easier when life is routine and predictable. We don’t freak out when we are in our routine. When life is ambiguous, we may focus on the possible negative outcomes. Ambiguity adds a cognitive load; it is taxing on the brain, and it brings up the fear response. Oh no, I don’t know what is happening.
Regardless of our disappointments, the human brain has a negative default. Like ancient man, we watch for danger; we have to be alert to the bad at all times. When we feel strong emotions, we pay attention. This attention may become a mind loop. Such overthinking can put the nervous system into overdrive and rev up the fear response—we take flight or fight. We may even suffer physical symptoms, including an increased heart rate or muscle tension. All of which reinforces the negative mind loop.
Interestingly, from 2006 to 2022, there has been an increase in negative emotions around the world, including anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger. Right now, people are distrustful and bleak.
Openness to ambiguity is an opportunity.
Little children innately engage in open thinking, a good trait for life’s unknowns. Alison Gopnik, at the University of California, Berkeley, has examined the cognitive abilities of children. In one study, she showed adults and children a toy that played music; everyone was taught how to turn it on by using certain blocks. The next part of the study entailed turning on the toy with a new set of blocks. The adults stuck to their earlier directions, while the children readily chucked prior methods to try new ways of making the toy work. We are inherently open, not closed.
Children are in the space of Now. Children know how to live in the present moment. We should be, too. When we are, our worries may fall away. Why does the pianist look euphoric in the middle of a concerto? The same for the athlete feeling his runner’s high, or the mathematician when she solves a complex equation. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who coined the term flow, found that immersing oneself in an engaging pursuit can shift time and space. It is a meditative flow, and the essence of being in the moment.
This fluid feeling can be applied in everyday life; focusing on right now is a good way to counter fixed and negative thinking. When we are absorbed in what we are doing, we tap into Me, but we don’t wallow in Me. Conversely, sloshing in what could have been or what ought to be won’t allow us to live a life with purpose, nor will it help us remember what life is worth living for.
Living in the moment is a cornerstone of healthy thinking.
