“It’s a physiological fact, not a sentimental statement, that we are better together, sharing the load.” —Dr. Sue Johnson
We live in an emotion-phobic world. Yet emotions are the most vital signals our bodies send us, and the most vital information about our lives. What a juxtaposition. If we listen carefully, they can tell us exactly what our problems are and what the solutions can be. I believe that therapists would be in much lower demand if humans had higher emotional access, acumen, skills, and expression—better awareness and understanding, especially with vulnerable emotions in general. In my experience, personally and professionally, most of us were never taught how to effectively manage our emotions—not in school, not at work, not with our peers, and not in our families. We’re told, especially men, to “calm down,” “toughen up,” or “don’t cry” when a strong emotion arises, but rarely shown how to lean into emotions and what they’re actually for.
Emotions aren’t problems to get rid of, as many frequently treat them as; they’re crucial signals meant to guide us to what matters most. And when we ignore, discard, suppress, repress (suppression is conscious while repression is not), and/or misunderstand them, we usually suffer much more than we need to.
In this post, I’ll share three unforeseen, counterintuitive truths about emotions, citing the most germane, peer-reviewed research. I’ll also touch on insights from my work studying at practicing emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and EMDR over the last 10 years that may change the way you think about your inner world and how you relate to yourself, your emotions, and others.
1. What we share, we can bear.
I know it sounds corny, but when we open up about how we feel, the load almost always becomes lighter. Sharing turns private pain into something held between people, which is much easier to carry (in EFT, this is called co-regulation or coburdening). A 2023 dyadic experience-sampling study of 100 couples (Rauers & Riediger, 2022) found that when partners share daily hassles and unpleasant emotions, it tends to lead to increased feelings of relationship closeness both in the moment and long‐term (over 2.5 years).
Likewise, Scientific Reports published a study (Hutchison, Thomas, & Takarangi, 2024) of 236 participants who analyzed disclosures of life events (including stressful ones) on Facebook. Hutchison and colleagues found that sharing these events was associated with higher positive affect, better sleep quality, and decreases in stress, anxiety, and negative affect. Disclosing negative events showed especially strong improvements.
Still skeptical? Thirdly, a 2022 study (Ludwig et al.) with 119 U.S. participants examined how disclosing both positive and negative emotions (versus just facts) affects perceptions of closeness, warmth, and competence. Results: emotion disclosure increased closeness beyond what simple fact-sharing did. Extrapolating from the study, I’d surmise that emotional disclosure can boost relational closeness, which can, in turn, boost emotional disclosure, creating and strengthening a positive cycle of connectedness and emotion relief begetting and reinforcing each other.
2. It’s more taxing to suppress emotions than to express them.
Holding feelings in might look like strength, but robust research shows it tends to drain us most of the time, outside of isolated or unique situations and events. Suppression can eat up mental and physical energy, often leaving us more stressed than if we’d just allowed ourselves to feel and release. Cameron (2017) found that suppressing emotions was consistently associated with more intrapersonal costs: greater depressed mood, more fatigue, lower life satisfaction, lower self-esteem. Expression had distinct, often more positive outcomes.
Suppression also measurably taxes us physiologically (i.e., increased sympathetic nervous system activation) compared to expression or reappraisal; expression or cognitive reappraisal is less biologically taxing (Zaehringer, 2020). When we suppress emotions in relational sacrifice (i.e., suppressing how they truly feel when doing something hard for one’s partner), negative consequences both emotionally (for the suppressor) and relationally often follow, i.e., lower satisfaction, more thoughts of breaking up (Impett et al., 2012).
3. The best way to regulate emotions is to share them with safe others.
Emotions are designed to be felt in connection. Safe relationships give our nervous system the calm and reassurance it needs to reset or regulate. Regulation isn’t a solo act—it’s a team effort. Hutchison et al. (2024) surveyed over 1,000 people, revealing that most share trauma in some way—verbally, emotionally, attitudinally—with close others. Sharing perceived similarity of experience also creates relational connection. When events are shared “relationally” or emotionally, it tends to generate social support, social integration, and sometimes post‐traumatic growth.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, Matos et al. (2021) found that social connection (compassion, feeling safe with others) predicted higher post-traumatic growth and moderated traumatic stress, whereas social disconnection predicted worse outcomes. In higher social support contexts, people shared more and suppressed less; suppression was associated with greater negative affect and lower positive affect. Predictably, sharing had better mood outcomes when support was perceived (Pauw et al., 2022). I would caution, though, that this research hinges on sharing with those deemed “safe,” or unlikely to gossip about us behind our backs or use our vulnerable sharing against us in the future.
Conclusion
Emotions aren’t weaknesses, flaws, or inconveniences—they’re essential goalposts, signs nudging us to share (perhaps, as stated, the most important signals our bodies send our minds), release, and connect, revealing what matters most. I also believe that being in touch with them helps us feel our vitality and aliveness. When we stop fighting them and start leaning into our emotions and safe connection, they become sources of strength, release, connection, and unity instead of struggle, isolation, and shame.
Dr. Sue Johnson would often say in her trainings that while there are definitely such things as irrational thoughts and behaviors, “there’s no such thing as irrational emotions.” If we lean in, we can find their rational intention and/or function.
So, the next time a strong feeling comes up, maybe the question isn’t “How do I make this go away?” but rather“What’s my body telling me? What am I feeling? Who can I safely share this with?”
