Teens can be difficult—sullen, argumentative, impulsive, hormonal—and their prefrontal lobes (the rational brain) are not fully developed. Everyday life can be an emotional roller coaster that many parents barely manage to hang on to.
Unlike the 5-year-old that you can pick up and put in their room, the 6-foot, 200-pound teen who refuses to move is immobile. And while the biggest dangers with 5-year-olds are likely to be crossing the street, now the risks are higher—car wrecks, addiction, pregnancy, violence—enough to keep you as parents awake at 3 am.
Here are 11 tips for you and your teen to successfully navigate these challenging years:
1. Pick your battles
Teens, because they are differentiating—pulling away to define who they are—are understandably sensitive to parental control. It’s easy for them to feel micromanaged, over-lectured, and over-advised. Because the over-controlled child will either become dependent and fearful or rebellious, your challenge is not to abdicate your power but shift from being the autocrat to a consultant. To do this effectively, be selective and clear. Decide on your bottom lines —what you’re willing to go to the mat for: one or two things, not twenty. For many parents, their bottom lines center on health and safety.
But most importantly, it’s time to stop coaching or criticizing them about what they wear to school; it’s okay to set expectations about staying up to date on schoolwork or about calling if they’re running late.
2. Don’t confuse means and ends
You think it would be good for your teen to be involved in a school sport or try out for a school play. Great, but what they hear and feel is pressure to do what you think they should do. Rather than getting into a battle over sports or not, ask yourself, “If doing sports is the means, what is the end, the goal, the purpose—be less isolated, get into better physical shape? Be clear about the end, and then be willing to negotiate with them about other ways to get there.
3. Help them do what they can’t
Stepping back, what are the one or two things your teen struggles with most? Think macro, not micro: Quitting when they get frustrated or holding on too long; being too self-critical, too risk-averse, too self-centered; unable to regulate their emotions, or too shy to ask for help? Get your concerns on the table, try to gain buy-in, and develop a plan together to help build those skills.
4. Talk in terms of worry and concern rather than frustration or anger
People respond better when you use “soft” emotions rather than “hard” ones. This is in the same skill set as using I-statements rather than you-statements. Not only will the conversation go better, but you’re helping your teen learn about you – what goes on in your head as a parent, what is driving what you’re saying and doing. They get to see you not only as “the parent” but as a concerned fellow human being who cares about them.
5. Reward good thinking
Many teens are like lousy lawyers: They try to make a case for what they want, but it doesn’t really make sense. But when they do a good job and show clear thinking, reward this thinking by going along with it or at least reaching a middle ground.
6. Be emotional around the positive; be matter-of-fact about the negative
This is a basic mantra for any parenting. Remember that you are essentially your child’s favorite toy. When your child or teen does something positive, get out the confetti and balloons. If they do something negative, drop the emotion and talk about the consequences in a deadpan way. Don’t train your child to seek negative attention.
7. Circle back and repair
You make what you think is a neutral comment, and your teen overreacts or rolls their eyes. Mop up then or later, but mop up: I’m sorry —I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or upset you. Why did you get upset?
This is about repair and not having misunderstandings become fuel for future explosions. It’s about learning the moral of the story of what just happened.
8. Create quality time
Gone are the days when your 8-year-old couldn’t wait to hang out with you all day long, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want your company and attention. The key is to be proactive and build in choice: “I was thinking that maybe we could do something together this weekend. Think about it; we can do whatever you’d like. Let me know.” And then remind them on Friday, and do whatever they suggest. It’s not about the activity; it’s about having a shared experience.
9. Allow surrogates to step in
Your teen may resist your advice, but they may better hear the same advice from a grandparent, an aunt, their best friend’s mother, or a counselor at school. Stand aside, let them do their magic.
10. Judge how they’re doing by looking at the big picture
As a parent, it’s easy to get worked up and worried about the small things—the English assignment they’ve been putting off, the latest boyfriend they’re hanging with.
To help you not go crazy, step back from these details and drama and instead take stock of how they’re doing overall: Do they have good, relatively wholesome friends? Are they able, overall, to be responsible, manage their emotions, challenge themselves, and envision a positive future? Can they bounce back after an upset? Can they ask for help?
Look at the big picture of how well they are running their lives.
11. Seek help
And if they are struggling in some way, don’t sweep it under the rug, or cross your fingers and hope they’ll outgrow it. Be proactive: Get advice from someone you trust or an outside professional, or, better yet, put your concerns on the table. Again, don’t confuse means and ends, but help them move forward and learn how to successfully run their lives.
