We all get angry at times, and some of us may even spout off occasionally in a fit of rage. We’re human and not perfect. Most emotionally healthy people, however, are accountable for this behaviour and feel remorse, apologise, and try to make amends.
Think of a time you may have lost your temper and then felt bad about it, and made every attempt to make the situation better. In doing so, you were acknowledging how your behaviour may have affected another person; you were able to put yourself in their shoes and empathise.
Narcissists, or people with a high level of narcissistic traits, can’t usually empathise or tune in emotionally to others. In fact, they often use their anger or rage as a way to control others. When confronted with their behaviour, rather than being accountable and apologetic, they get angrier and up the ante until the other person gives up or backs down.
Experiencing someone raging at you can be terrifying, especially if you are a child. But adults also feel extremely uncomfortable and disrespected when a person’s rage is directed at them. They describe feeling “beat up” and emotionally dysregulated. A recent client told me she was traumatised by her partner’s rage at her, felt overwhelmed, and went into an emotional collapse that lasted for several days.
Narcissistic rage is intense, exploitive, and presents as an extreme out-of-control reaction. For the narcissist, this anger may be a response to criticism, slights, challenges to their superiority, a sense they are being defeated in some way, or the feeling of being abandoned or rejected. It can include screaming, insults, name-calling, belittling, and even physical aggression. It rears up when the narcissist’s own insecurities and self-esteem or self-image are challenged, which gets in the way of their feelings of dominance or grandiosity. They may resort to blaming others or even threaten retaliation or revenge against the person they perceive as a threat.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) calls this “narcissistic injury”: “Vulnerability in self-esteem makes the individuals with narcissistic personality disorder very sensitive to ‘injury’ from criticism or defeat. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism may haunt these individuals and leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, hollow, and empty. They may react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattack.”
Narcissistic rage can also present in a more subtle and passive-aggressive manner, which may result in symptoms such as ignoring, the silent treatment, resentment, sarcasm, and righteous indignation.
Responding to narcissistic rage and anger can be challenging, emotionally charged, and even dangerous. It’s important to remain calm and try to avoid escalation. The following tips could help:
- Stay calm and don’t engage in the argument.
- Don’t try to use logic; it won’t work in this situation.
- Don’t fight back; it could escalate the argument.
- Try not to personalise what is being said; it’s probably not really about you.
- Don’t be defensive or try to explain yourself.
- Don’t apologise; it won’t matter in the heat of the moment.
- Establish a clear boundary of what you will tolerate, and if the person does not accept that, walk away, remove yourself, or hang up the phone.
- Tell them you will discuss it when their emotions are not so high.
- Use “I” statements instead of accusations starting with “you.” For example: “I am not comfortable with this conversation, and I am going to go now.”
- Prioritise your safety and seek help if you are in danger.
If you find yourself in this situation in any relationship where you are the victim of narcissistic rage, it is important to seek professional help. You may be blamed or gaslit, and your own reality could be challenged. You may blame yourself or think you can fix it. Remember: We can only fix ourselves. Someone who has this kind of anger problem needs professional help and must commit to their own work and change. Your focus needs to be on your own well-being and safety.
