As a parent coach, I often hear from distressed parents who feel like their once-close relationship with their adult child has been replaced by a painful silence and emotional disconnection. Most of these parents are seeking strategies to reconnect through lower emotional reactivity (on their part and their adult child’s).
These parents are pleased to see that the more they modify their existing communication strategies positively, the more they can reconnect with their adult children. In these cases, my work feels highly gratifying.
When Parents Push Too Hard or in The Wrong Direction
Think of the metaphor of having your car tires stuck in mud or in the snow. You understandably want to escape that mess and get to a better place. However, if you abruptly press the gas pedal (instead of gently rocking the car back and forth) frequently, you will sink deeper into the hole.
Keeping that metaphor in mind, I occasionally receive crisis-laden calls and emails that go something like this:
- My adult daughter is making a huge mistake by being with her crazy boyfriend. Every time I point this out, she tells me I am too judgmental. Can you help me convince her to leave that awful relationship?
- Dr. Jeff, can you please work with my adult son and convince him that he is a selfish, spoiled brat? I have done so much for him? I remind him of what I have done for him, and he just keeps saying the worst things back to me.
- My son lies to me all the time and refuses to tell me anything that’s really going on in his life. I keep texting and calling, and calling out his lies, yet he refuses to speak with me.
I feel for these parents who are in great pain and are hurting. That said, when they urgently reach out to me to “get my adult child to see things,” they are unfortunately misguided by having this mindset.
Looking Inward Helps You Outwardly Connect Better
If your adult child is not comfortable connecting with you, could there be some disconnects in how you are approaching them? Isn’t it fair to say that the goal of most conversations is to create or deepen mutual understanding? To overcome rifts rather than widen them?
Perhaps you are thinking as you read this, “Dr. Jeff, you expect me to hold out an olive branch to them when they have been treating me like crap? Or maybe you’re thinking, “I have tried so hard to be patient and say all the right things and keep my opinions to myself.” I understand if you’re reacting to my words with such thoughts.
But have you really done that? Many of the parents I coach learn that trying hard is not the same as “trying smart.” Let’s examine three ways you may be contributing to the distance with your adult child and how to shift to more helpful communication.
1. Your Emotional Reactivity Pushes Them Away
In the same way that impulsively stepping on the gas pedal makes your car sink deeper, having emotionally heated discussions can cause your relationship chaos to sink to even deeper levels. If you are emotionally reactive, your child is likely to sense blame or shame, even if that is not what you intended.
Example: “You have no idea what I have done for you and all you do is treat me like crap!”
The Fix: Slow your response by pausing before you react. Lead with something like, “I want to understand better what works and could work better between us.”
2. You Impose Your Values Rather Than Expose Them
If you sling your moral code at your adult child, you will likely shut down their willingness to be open with you. The adult children I speak with typically want to feel a sense of agency to create their own path in life. Moralising at them will shut down their willingness to earnestly connect with you.
Example: “You are throwing your life away by staying in that job. Don’t you want a better life for yourself?”
The Fix: “I get that you are figuring out job-wise what is best for you. If you ever want to have me be a safe sounding board, just know I’m here.”
3. You Forget That They Are Their Own Person
It is easy to fall into the trap of believing you can “save” your adult child by guiding them to avoid mistakes and pitfalls. While you may be able to do so at times, expecting them to navigate the world in the same way you do is unfair to both of you.
Example: “I’m sorry, but it makes no sense that you are moving away to that city. It’s as if you’re leaving it all behind for a change, but I’m worried about you doing this.”
The Fix: Engage your adult with curiosity versus judgment. You can ask, “I’m curious, can you help me understand what the draw is for moving there?”
Final Thoughts
Repairing your relationship with your adult child takes patience, courage, and a willingness to look inward. Blame must be set aside with a focus on rebuilding bridges to connect and move forward.
If you are reading this as an adult child who is experiencing relationship problems with your parents, I understand you are also struggling with some major hurts and disappointments. That said, please do yourself and your parents a favor by not sharing this post with them to use it against them. Instead, if my words resonate with you, then reach out with the goals of understanding and connection, and not using it as a means of blame or ammunition.
