Getting kids to talk about their feelings is a formidable task. This is especially true of boys who are taught in our culture to suppress their feelings.
However, being able to know and express your feelings is an important self-regulation skill. As Mister Rogers said, “Anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” Understanding our own feelings is also the basis of empathy (the ability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others), which is the foundation of emotional intelligence.
I have a rule of thumb for talking with boys about their feelings (it actually works well with girls, too, and when you want to talk with anyone about a challenging topic).
It’s better to have 25 1-minute conversations than one 25-minute conversation.
It’s often our instinct as parents to try to have a long conversation where an issue is discussed thoroughly and a resolution is reached. This approach usually backfires with kids. It works much better to take that long conversation and break it down into smaller chunks.
Each brief conversation has two goals:
- Learn a little something about your child’s life or inner world.
- Make it a positive experience for your child.
Just as we learn other skills with practice and repetition, these brief conversations give our child “reps” in learning how to recognise and express feelings.
Why Long Conversations Are Difficult for Kids
Kids feel lectured to. Children generally feel that parents talk too much, and they resent feeling talked at, lectured to, and criticised. The longer a conversation lasts, the greater the likelihood that it will be an aversive experience for them.
Talking is stressful, especially if the conversation involves problems or conflict.
Kids can be easily flooded and overwhelmed. Kids often cope with painful feelings and problems by trying not to think about them and distracting themselves. We do need to help them learn to tolerate their emotions. However, we also need to be mindful that trying to talk to a child about the feelings they are avoiding can cause them to be overwhelmed or “flooded” by these emotions.
Kids often don’t know how they feel. Talking to them about their emotions can make them feel like they’re being interrogated.
The Power of Brief Talks
They help build skills while not overwhelming the child. You don’t start a workout program by picking a weight that is too heavy.
They are respectful of the child’s limited capacity to tolerate the intense emotions that go with discussing difficult topics.
They create positive associations. Brief conversations make the experience of talking less stressful and more positive, which is crucial for building trust and encouraging future openness.
They build your Love Map. What you learn from a short conversation helps build what John and Julie Gottman call your “Love Map” of your son’s inner world. The more we know about our children’s thoughts and feelings, the better future conversations will be, and the closer we’ll feel. Also, what you learn in your brief talk can be the path to introducing the next conversation: “I’ve been thinking about what you said…”
Implementing the Strategy
Choose the Right Time. Try to talk when your son is calm, definitely not when he’s flooded. We often make the mistake of trying to get our kids to talk about their feelings in the middle of a meltdown. It makes sense; they are upset, and we want to know why. It just doesn’t work. Car rides or bedtime can be good opportunities because you’re together but not necessarily face-to-face, which can reduce pressure.
Start gently. John Gottman’s research has found that conversations that begin with gentle start-ups go better. Psychologist Ross Greene suggests opening with neutral observations like “I noticed that (you’ve seemed upset lately)…” or “Your teacher emailed me (you got a 20 out of 100 on your math test)…” and then ask, “What’s up?”
Prioritise listening. Focus on listening to and understanding your child’s perspective before trying to be understood yourself.
Validate and accept. When your child does share, focus on understanding and accepting their feelings without judgment or criticism. Validation (communicating to the child that their feelings make sense) is a powerful tool for increasing your child’s receptivity to your perspective later.
Be prepared for resistance. Kids may resist opening up due to past negative experiences or a worry that talking will make them feel worse. If they ignore you, give one-word answers, or tell you you’re annoying, don’t take it personally or get provoked into a fight. Stay calm. Be gentle, but persistent, and back off if they’re shutting down.
Example Conversations
Conversation 1:
Mom: “Hey, sweetie, I just saw an email come through from your math teacher. She mentioned you haven’t turned in a couple of assignments lately. What’s up?”
Kid: “Math is stupid.”
Mom: “Sounds like you’re feeling pretty frustrated with math right now.”
Kid: “It’s annoying. Can I go?”
Mom: “Annoying. Got it. It sounds like you’re really not enjoying math right now. OK, you can go. Just wanted to check in.”
Conversation 2 (later that evening or the next day):
Mom: “I’ve been thinking about what you said about math being annoying. I remember math could be pretty hard sometimes.”
Kid: “It’s just that we have to show our work. I know what the answer is. Why do I have to show my work?”
Mom: “That makes sense.”
These two conversations are very brief, yet the mom learns about why her son isn’t doing his math homework: He’s frustrated over having to show his work. (Note that she wouldn’t have learned anything if she had begun with a lecture or reprimand about the unfinished homework.)
A third conversation might begin with: “How was math today?” A fourth could start: “Can you show me a problem where that happens?”
Instead of one heavy 25-minute conversation, this approach breaks things down into smaller, manageable chunks.
The Takeaway
The 25 1-minute conversations approach builds emotional intelligence over time while strengthening your relationship with your child.
Remember, developing emotional intelligence is a marathon, not a sprint. By honouring your child’s pace and creating positive associations with emotional conversations, you’re giving them tools that will benefit them throughout their lives.
