Altruistic, cooperative, and good-hearted people are the glue that holds relationships and societies together. At times, however, their good intentions are also manipulated and exploited by those who have more malevolent and selfish motives.
So, how can good people maintain their positive intentions and protect themselves from exploitation? Let’s have a look.
Why We Give and Cooperate
To answer that question, we must first understand what motivates someone to be altruistic, cooperative, and reciprocating in the first place. According to a research review by Romano, Saral, and Wu (2022), people are motivated to be prosocial and reciprocate for three reasons:
- Expectations: They believe that other people will behave in a cooperative, caring, and positive way toward them.
- Reputational Concerns: They are concerned about how other people judge them and want to be positively evaluated back.
- Anticipation of Future Interactions: They think it is likely they will associate with someone again and want to build a good relationship with them for the future.
That list doesn’t even include motives like personal benefit or romantic attraction. That’s because being prosocial and cooperative is primarily about wanting to believe good things about others, one’s own self, and future interactions together. Essentially, it comes from being optimistic about relationships, which is generally a positive and helpful mindset. Unfortunately, however, that mindset can also be exploited by others who don’t share the positive sentiment.
How Good People Get Manipulated
As I noted in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022), people can take advantage of trust and optimism—especially while dating and forming intimate relationships. Particularly, they do so by leveraging the optimistic expectations, reputational concerns, or anticipation of future interactions outlined above. Thus, they often rely on three main manipulative strategies:
- Exploiting positive expectations by taking too much without giving back in proportion.
- Playing on reputational concerns by using manipulative giving practices that induce guilt and obligation to unfairly get what they want in return.
- Misleading anticipation of future interactions by making false promises and lying to get something upfront and then never returning the favour.
Any of these strategies can lead to an unfair relationship exchange. Worse yet, they can damage the trust and optimism of the good people being manipulated. So, what can good people do? How can they remain optimistic and protect themselves, too?
3 Steps to Avoid Getting Used
Fortunately, over the years, I have also identified steps that good people take to interact in a positive and satisfying way—but also guard against exploitation. Each step helps the individual understand their internal motivations and shield against one of the manipulative strategies above, too. Thus, to build satisfying connections and avoid manipulative drama, try the following…
1) Go Slowly and See What They Do
We all want to have the best expectations of others. Nevertheless, some people exploit those expectations by taking too much and not giving back. Therefore, before investing heavily in someone, it is important to start small and see how they respond and reciprocate.
Rather than just making assumptions, this will allow you to collect some data and update your expectations about the exchange. Specifically, is your partner appreciative of what you have already given? Do they reciprocate the favours—or just selfishly continue to take more from you?
Depending on their behaviour, respond with a tit-for-tat strategy. In other words, if they are grateful and generous back, give more and enjoy building the connection. If they take too much, however, then avoid giving further gifts and trading—at least, until they show gratitude and make up what is already owed.
2) Clarify Intentions to Avoid Manipulation
Beyond thinking well of others, we also want to be liked by others and build a positive reputation for ourselves, too. Nevertheless, people who manipulate with unsolicited gifts can use that positive reputation against you. Essentially, they give you something flattering that you don’t request, set up a situation of debt and unequal power, and then make you feel guilty about owing them. Afterwards, they can use that guilt to get something specific that they want from you in return.
Therefore, it is important to look beyond the flattery and self-enhancement to clarify someone’s true intentions. Is there something specific they want in return? Also, do you even want to start some kind of relationship or exchange with them?
If you are unsure of their intentions, or unwilling to give back to them, then do not take what they offer—and don’t try to manipulate back either. Also, if you have already taken a flattering gift and find yourself feeling indebted, then remember you can give something back on your terms (not their terms) too. You are ultimately in charge of how you repay a favour, especially when you didn’t request something specific from them in the first place.
3) Define the Consequences for Future Interactions
Finally, we want to build good future relationships with people, especially because we assume we will meet them again. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way. Some people even make false long-term promises to get what they want in the moment, but have no intention of giving back later. So, it is important to take time and gather the facts about someone’s future intentions before accepting promises instead of upfront exchanges.
Specifically, take some time to inquire about their self-image and reputation. Are they trustworthy? Have they kept their promises to others (or to you, in the past)? Also, let them know what will happen if they break their promise to you. Define the negative consequences for them if they lie (e.g., ending the relationship, telling others they are untrustworthy, etc.).
If they hesitate over your conditions, or you feel they are untrustworthy, then don’t accept their long-term promise. Instead, make them work for what they want upfront. Otherwise, take them back to step one and start over—or walk away and interact with someone else more rewarding instead!
