You’ve just returned home from an evening out, and it suddenly happens: Your partner criticises something you said in front of the server. You fire back with defensiveness, and you both fall into the familiar pattern of conflict.
As a couples therapist, I often see this pattern in sessions, and my job is to help the couple either resolve the conflict or prevent it from happening again. In almost any scenario, I can help them find a solution with three words: “Tell me more.” These three words will interrupt defensiveness and invite curiosity into your partner’s perspective. Let’s explore why this works.
The Power of “Tell Me More”
- It interrupts that defensive response that triggers the cycle. Maybe your partner was being critical, or maybe you just interpreted them expressing their feelings as an attack. Either way, your responding defensively isn’t going to make your partner feel heard, and it truly isn’t going to be productive. In Brené Brown’s research on empathy, she found that true empathy requires presence.
- It’s a bid for connection. In John Gottman’s research, he found that bids for connection (any attempt to connect verbally or physically) were a frequent occurrence in couples who were in happy relationships. I think conflict is always an opportunity for connection. When either partner is upset, a feeling is usually tied to that. We can either explore that feeling and build connection or turn away and build conflict.
- It communicates curiosity and interest in your partner’s perspective. Both your and your partner’s perspectives are real and valid because you both experienced them. Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges, suggests that employing curiosity can shift partners out of fight or flight and into engagement. If your partner shares something with you, try to understand them and pause to understand why they might feel that way, not just what they are saying. You can’t problem-solve anything if you don’t understand it.
- It helps your partner feel heard and start the cycle where your partner can hear you. In my book, Listening to Understand Instead of Respond: A Workbook for Couples, which is coming out next month, this is a point I come back to repeatedly. Conflict cycles fuel when partners don’t feel understood. You think, “I don’t feel heard, so I won’t hear my partner and keep trying to get my voice heard.” What works better is when one partner pauses to listen to their partner until that partner feels understood. Once they feel understood, they are much more open to listening to you. And once you both feel heard, problem-solving becomes so much clearer.
Why This Works: The Science Behind It
- It reduces reactivity. In Gottman’s research, he found that emotional flooding can be an issue in conflict, and emotional attunement can help reduce the stress hormone cortisol. “Tell me more” can be that emotional diffuser you both may need.
- It invites perspective-taking. In a study on conflict (Zhou et al., 2016), the researchers found that when individuals in conflict were prompted to explain the other person’s point of view, the conflict intensity decreased significantly. When you say “Tell me more,” you have to listen and keep listening until your partner feels understood.
- It triggers emotional safety. Porges’s polyvagal theory also emphasizes that safety cues like your partner showing curiosity activate the engagement system, again reducing fight-or-flight responses. It’s hard to feel safe when your partner responds with defensiveness, anger, or shutting down. Showing interest in understanding will make your partner feel like you care, in turn making them feel safe to share.
- It models secure attachment behavior. In Sue Johnson’s research for Emotionally Focused Therapy, she found that secure partners respond to conflict with engagement as opposed to shutting down or escalating. Secure attachment is when you feel trust, safety, and closeness in your relationship. “Tell me more” triggers that engagement.
Why It Can Be So Hard to Say in the Moment
It’s hard to break that conflict cycle for a reason. Our brains are wired to protect ourselves, which is why defensiveness is such an easy response. Responding with the openness of “Tell me more” requires emotional regulation, it’s a skill that may not have been modeled much when we were growing up, and it’s hard to do when we feel attacked or hurt. As well, for some people, vulnerability feels unsafe. This can be because trust has been broken in the relationship, or it may be an influence from a past trauma.
How to Practice
Start outside of conflict. It’s easier to practice this curiosity when you aren’t feeling flooded or having your own emotional reaction. Try it when your partner is sharing about their day or an interest they have, or just by asking open-ended questions to start a conversation.
Pause before reacting or responding. If you allow yourself to respond to your partner’s criticism without first taking a few seconds to process, the conflict cycle will continue. Try taking a breath and remind yourself to be open.
Try bonus phrases that will also work:
- “What do you mean?”
- “Help me understand how you are feeling.”
- “What feelings did that bring up for you?”
- “I want to listen a bit more before I respond here.”
- “Share more with me about that.”
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but disconnection isn’t. The moment you feel like you want to fight back or shut down, try doing something new instead and say, “Tell me more.”
