Welcome to Fair or Foul, a weekly advice column where we dive into the grey areas of behavior. Read on to find out if you (or someone else) crossed a line. Let’s settle what’s fair—and what’s just plain foul.
Here’s this week’s story:
“My friend’s uncle is one of those 35-year-old “fun uncles” who joins us for drinks and makes it to nearly every event. He’s got a great job that lets him travel often, stays in touch with all the trends and memes, and overall just has that easygoing, youthful vibe. He has a son about half my age. But since he lives with his mom, he only comes around occasionally to hang out with my friend and me.
There were times when, due to travel arrangements, her uncle (let’s call him “Hunter”) and I ended up sharing spaces—like crashing in the same room or on opposite ends of a couch. We even shared a room at my friend’s wedding, leading to playful teasing, mostly because of his snoring. I once recorded it from across the house because, truly, it was intense. Over time, we both started “coincidentally” showing up to visit my friend on the same weekends.
At first, Hunter would take the couch and offer me the bedroom for privacy, which was gentlemanly of him, even though he’d be up early and didn’t need to move. But I started noticing that he’d leave little things in the bedroom, like his suitcase, some clothes, or even a pillow. One time, I found a bottle of Viagra left out, which made me laugh. And it kind of became a funny, silent reminder of this unspoken tension between us.
Soon, we were texting each other daily, updating each other on work, travel, and even our dating lives. We grew close, and after a sudden family tragedy when his mom passed, I became a bit of a support for him and his family. My friend’s family would ask me to check on him, not realizing I was already doing that. He seemed to appreciate having someone around, and his family was relieved he had a friend.
Our late-night talks went deeper than casual chat, and this undeniable chemistry existed. We’d stay up for hours talking about life, relationships, and everything in between. But I never mentioned any of this to my friend. Eventually, work, COVID, and life got in the way, and we both started dating people long-term; we even introduced them at parties.
So, is it fair or foul that I kept all of this from her?”
~ Prima
So, there’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s get into it.
First, most of us can probably say that we’ve been attracted to a friend’s family member at some point or another. It’s more common than you’d think, so don’t be ashamed of that.
Now, let’s address a few things here. You’ve said in your message that the uncle is 35, right? I think as long as you’re both in your 20s or 30s, there’s nothing inappropriate or morally wrong about this crush. You’re both adults and have the right to date whoever you choose!
That said, I can see why you might be concerned with your friend being upset about the situation. Honestly, if a good friend of mine wanted to get with a relative of mine, I wouldn’t be concerned about that. This is particularly true for you since you’ve mentioned how close you were.
You’ve also said nothing has happened between you two. So, if that’s true (and we wouldn’t judge if it isn’t), there’s nothing to tell. You had a crush, and now you both have partners, so it’s best to move on and let sleeping dogs lie.
Another thing to consider is that your friend might already suspect something.
It wouldn’t be surprising if she thought something had happened between the two of you before you got into your current relationships. Honestly, your friend might have been rooting for the two of you to get together. This wouldn’t surprise me either because if she cares about both of you, she’d probably be happy if you were together. Plus, you’d be considered family, which is every girl’s dream, in my opinion.
Since you’re both in relationships now, there’s no need to tell your friend about the crush on her uncle.
Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things, especially when it comes to romance. If you chose to mention it now, you would just reopen an old wound that has fully healed. As of right now, it’s not only fair but best to keep this from your friend. Maybe something to joke about down the line, but keep it to yourself for now.
What do you think? Should she tell her friend or keep the secret? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
