Many of us work towards creating our identities and building our lives in early adulthood. We grow into who we hope to be, and many of us go on to have children.
Then, we’re told that parents are supposed to lose themselves for their children. As a mother of two young kids, I wonder, “Is there a way to be a parent without losing ourselves?” and “Is there information out there that supports you being yourself while being a parent?”
When we decide to become parents, we often hear that there’s no book or manual for learning to be a parent. I have read many books on parenting, child development, and children’s health.
Many books like this are on the shelves, and plenty of parenting-related information is available. It’s easy to obtain information about how to raise kids.
So, considering all the information, and the real meaning behind the statement that there’s no book or manual for parenting, is that nothing can fully prepare you for it.
With the whirlwind being a parent makes to your once independent life, how do you stay grounded in yourself while simultaneously being a committed parent? Below are some tips on how to parent without losing yourself.
1. Be Self-Full: Let’s throw away the idea that you must be selfless to be a good parent. Selfless parenting often results in kids who think the world revolves around them. Some children refuse to help, believe the world revolves around them, are not grateful, and demand more.
And society pushes parents to give all of themselves. When I was pregnant, I was often told, “You have to be selfless as a parent.” I no longer believe that to be true—balance is vital when working towards being a good parent. You don’t want to be a selfish parent and neglect your child’s needs, but you don’t want to ignore yourself entirely, either.
Self-full parents prioritize their needs but also keep their children’s needs high on the list. When I ensure my needs are met, I am much better at ensuring my child is well cared for. Think of the demonstration you get when you go on an airplane: During an emergency, you need to put your mask on first before helping put on another’s mask.
Take care of yourself, and be clear about your priorities, values, and worth. It will help you be a better parent with well-defined boundaries.
2. Be Present: Parents are so scared of looking like a “helicopter” parent that they’ll let their kid behave badly without intervening. I don’t promote being on top of your child’s every move, but parents need to be more present regarding complicated issues, like bullying and physical violence.
By being present, when you’re with your child, you’ll rest easier later when they aren’t in your care—step in when your child has hurt another kid. Show them how to apologize and be accountable for their actions. Be present when they behave well and promote those behaviors, but also explain to them the results of misbehaving.
3. Be a Good Role Model: We can do much for our kids by modeling kindness and respect because they always watch us. It’s important to show them how to act with empathy, love, and respect because it does not come naturally to every child.
By respecting people, being polite, and respecting your needs and boundaries, you’re allowing your child or children to see they can live that way too. Act in ways that are true to your values, and make sure your behaviors match who you want to be and who you want your child to become.
4. Don’t Be The “Keep Them Happy at All Costs” Parent: When we live only to provide our kids happiness and spare them disappointment, we teach them that their contentment is our only priority. This can lead kids to become entitled and think, “What’s in it for me?” when they’re asked to behave well.
Furthermore, they’ll have difficulty managing their emotions when they face inevitable disappointments—like not getting a good grade. Make your life less stressful by allowing your kids to experience all of life—even the bad stuff. Then, help your kids develop strategies for overcoming life’s inevitable difficulties.
5. Make Time for Your Kids: Give your children your love and attention when you’re spending quality time with them. A fun activity is to spend 10 minutes or more a day individually with each child, on their terms, doing whatever they want to do during that time.
Your children will stop trying to get your attention in negative ways when they know they’ll get it in positive ways. This will give you the quality time you enjoy with your children and some time to yourself.
6. Make Time for Yourself. If you’re anything like me, you hate asking for help. When I became a parent, I realized I’d have to learn to do this if I didn’t want to risk losing myself. If you can’t afford the extra help of a babysitter or nanny, ask family members or friends for help.
This will allow you to go for that massage you wanted or enjoy a dinner date with your partner, friends, or yourself. It would help if you continued to do the things you enjoy. This will allow you to maintain a strong sense of self, which will help you stay refreshed and energized, while you take care of your children’s needs.
Like anything, parenting requires balance—one between selflessness and selfishness. Being a parent is hard work; there’s no argument against that. However, becoming a parent doesn’t mean losing who you are; parenting offers countless opportunities to find new ways to be you.
When I had my daughters, I learned how to ask for help, how important it is to have alone time, how strong I am, and how to manage my time better. For me, parenting is an experience that helps me learn more about who I am and what type of mother, role model, and person I want to be for them and me.
Becoming a mother made me more productive and solidified the importance of acting according to my authentic self. I am more accountable for my decisions because I know they are watching. As the saying goes, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”
Remember that you don’t have to be selfless if you’re a parent. Be who you are according to your values; children will respect you more.
