Enter The Good Life, a book that uses hard science to debunk much of that. In it, Harvard professors Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz lay out the findings of the world’s longest happiness study, which began in 1938 when researchers from their university set out to learn what makes a person thrive.
A human life will inevitably contain periods of pain and trauma, but they found that these moments can be weathered if we have good relationships. Because ultimately, it’s the strength of our bonds – not whether we’re married or single, high-flying or just getting by – that determines everything.
This is as true now as it was nearly a century ago. In the 1930s, the study tracked 724 participants – a mix of male Harvard students and low-income boys in Boston – as they built careers, got married and eventually retired.
Their wives and children joined the study, and every five years researchers took health records from the participants.
Then, every two years, they asked a set of detailed questions; later, they took DNA samples and performed scans. Twenty-five of the participants even donated their brains to the study after their deaths.
“We learnt that people believe happiness is something they can achieve – if they buy that house or get a promotion or lose enough weight, then happiness will follow,” says Waldinger.
“We act as if it is a destination we will get to if we tick the right boxes, but the data very clearly shows that this is simply not true. And that’s a good thing, as contentment is no longer something out of reach, but eminently achievable for all of us.”
One of the questions Waldinger gets asked the most is, “Is it too late for me?” Thanks to this study, he has an answer. “Of course your genes and your experiences will shape the way you live and see the world, but nothing in your life prevents you from connecting with others and thriving at any age.
You can be lonely in a crowd and lonely in a marriage, but you can also find real fulfilment by fostering just one or two very warm relationships in your community.”
And if you do, health may follow: the book explains that people with the strongest bonds in their 50s were the healthiest in their 80s, with lower rates of heart disease and depression.
Worried your relationships aren’t as good as they could be?
Here are some simple ways to get started.
1. Tally all the people you could call in the night with a problem
Waldinger’s not talking about the friends you sometimes meet for coffee or the co-worker you like, but the people who would come to your aid at any time, who would support you and make you feel better, and who you would be comfortable to cry in front of.
“The science shows it doesn’t matter who they are – whether they’re your spouse, a sibling, a parent, a colleague or a friend,” says Waldinger. “And there’s no right number – some people need lots of close contacts, others are happy with a few. What matters is having people in your life you feel fully relaxed with.”
Take a note of the names and vow to spend more time with them. “Relationships that create a sense of safety are the fundamental building blocks of a good life,” says Waldinger. One theory why people with strong connections are healthier is that they find it easier to regulate stress.
When something upsetting happens, the body goes into fight or flight, but being with someone we are fully relaxed with calms us. And if your list is looking sparse, don’t worry. “Humans form bonds very quickly,” says Waldinger. “Why not send a text right now to an old friend or a recent acquaintance and suggest meeting up?”
2. Skip the sandwich at your desk for lunch with your work friend
Most of us have a one-hour lunch break written into our contracts, but studies show that few people in western society use it to actually take a break – and if they do, it’s often to run errands rather than socialise.
But Waldinger is adamant that we should take more of a French approach to our lunch hour and swap the PowerPoint presentation for a plat du jour with a colleague. And don’t just discuss work. To forge real bonds, you need to talk about your personal life and show a little vulnerability.
“The study really highlighted that good relationships at work not only make you happier and healthier, but make you more productive, more successful and more likely to stay in the same job,” he says. “I would go so far as to say that managers should actively find ways for their employees to socialise and have fun together. And don’t feel guilty about making friends during office hours, as it’s as good for the business as it is for you.”
3. Leave work at 6pm and don’t answer emails on the weekend
And as for working late – don’t even think about it.
One of the more illuminating studies in the book follows two friends from school: John and Leo. Both were top of their class, but it was John who moved to the city and became a partner in a law firm.
A divorcee, he was also one of the least happy respondents – largely because he worked most evenings and on weekends, and was convinced that his accomplishments would bring him contentment.
By contrast, Leo – who one of the Harvard researchers described as “ordinary” – never left his hometown, married young and never achieved his dream of becoming a writer; instead, he got a job as a high-school teacher, was home early in the evenings to help raise his children, and was one of the respondents with the richest inner life.
“His identity wasn’t entangled in his work, but in his relationships,” says Waldinger. “And that was key.”
4. Go to the same coffee shop every day
The Good Life dives into a University of Chicago experiment, where a group of people were sent on a train journey. Half were asked to read the newspaper and the other half were asked to talk to a stranger.
Beforehand, almost everyone predicted that talking to someone they didn’t know would be a negative experience, but in reality, the half that did enjoyed their journey far more.
“This is just one example of how little we know about what is good for us,” says Waldinger. Granted, tapping someone on the shoulder to say “Hi” on public transport could end badly; instead, try going to the same coffee shop regularly and talking to the barista about the weather, say, or the news.
The chances are he or she will remember you the next time and within a few weeks, this will become a small but meaningful interaction in your day. “Just as our brain responds to the presence of food in our bellies by rewarding us with pleasure sensations, so does it respond to positive contact with others, however minor,” says Waldinger.
“Positive interaction tells our bodies we are safe, reducing our physical arousal and increasing our sense of wellbeing.”
5. Stop lurking on social media
When the study began, social media would have sounded like science fiction – but in recent years it has had a huge impact on wellbeing.
We tend to blame sites like Instagram and Twitter for many of the ills of modern life, but the book shows they can have a positive impact if we use them to sustain relationships with our friends and family.
Equally, people with rare medical issues or with niche interests can connect easily with others. But all of this will only work if we actually communicate with other people, rather than just scrolling without engaging.
In fact, silently consuming other people’s content on social media is one of the easiest ways to feel more isolated, as it makes us compare our real lives with the curated versions of other people’s.
Waldinger’s advice: either connect more or set some limits on how much you use social media sites.
6. Swap WhatsApp for a quick phone call
As a journalist, I know that all the best interviews happen either in person or on the phone – and yet I regularly catch up with my closest friends about important life events over text.
Waldinger says it’s a habit we need to train ourselves out of, because so much of how we communicate and connect isn’t through actual words, but the way we say them.
“Speaking to someone is one of the easiest ways to feel close to them; writing messages doesn’t have the same impact.” And there’s no need for a lengthy call, as the study shows that speaking to your closest friend for a mere eight minutes boosts happy hormones and leaves you feeling more relaxed.
7. Have a one-on-one dinner with a close friend
People in marriages regularly catch up as couples, but often we have our best conversations when we’re alone with our friends or siblings.
“Everyone should do what suits them,” says Waldinger. “But introverts in particular really benefit from seeing the people in their lives alone and getting those quality connections.”
This is true for very close friends but also for acquaintances whose company you enjoy, but who you often don’t see for months at a time.
“Most of us have friends who energise us, but we just don’t see enough of them,” says Waldinger. “This is an untapped resource that is in your life, waiting to be used. We might be sitting on a gold mine of vitality that we’re not paying attention to, because this source of vitality is eclipsed by the shiny allure of smartphones or TV, or pushed to the side by work demands.”
The key to happiness, it seems, is seeing them for the gold mine that they actually are.
